Another round and one more show

Last week’s composition of the blog post was an invisible comedy of errors. I had begun a blog post the week before and never done anything with the draft; when I started working on it last week I ran into all sorts of odd errors. WordPress told me that I couldn’t edit the file; as it turns out, I could edit but not save. I also couldn’t view the photos I had uploaded and placed, or resize them. Out of desperation I copied and pasted the whole thing, emailed it to myself, and took up the work on the iPad — where I was able to finish everything.

Today everything is working just fine. Why? Why ask why? (Why does asking that question make me thirsty?)

Last week’s primary rabbit hole had to do with my recent project of self-study of Hebrew. Modern Hebrew uses consonants without vowel markings (as in the McDonald’s sign above), but the Hebrew of the Bible is what I’m trying to read, and it uses strategically placed dots and lines to specify the vowel sounds that should be used with the consonants.

Shalom!

Where I got caught up — and I’m not complaining, just describing — was on the names that are given to the vowel markings. I know what they’re telling me to do; the dot above the baseline on the left-hand side of “Shalom” is telling me to use a long O sound, and the funky mark below the baseline on the right is indicating that I should use a short A sound. But the names of those marks are, respectively, “cholem” and “qamets,” and I wanted to know if those names had meanings that would help me remember the functions of the symbols.

(If I have lost you, I apologize; last week I bent the ear of everyone in my department who has studied linguistics or is teaching phonetics this semester. I may have accidentally turned my obsession on each of them like a fire hose. Sorry, Sheila, Luzma, Olesya, Pam, Hala, and Alicia. I’ll need to learn moderation and maybe some modulation.)

To make a long story short (“TOO LATE!”), I found a few reference books that have given up bits and pieces of these words’ meanings, and I’ve started collecting the data on a Google Sheet on my iPad. (It’s super helpful that it allows me to change the language to Hebrew in the appropriate cells.) And my friend Marsha is in the initial stages of enthusiasm in response to my questions (this, too, shall surely pass) and has offered to help me learn. I’m gradually learning that the information is out there — it’s just that, with the books that I have on hand, it isn’t all in one place. But it will be.

Found this little golden guy two weeks ago. Perfect as my songwriting mascot!

I made some progress on the songwriting front by recording the vocal track to this month’s song, uploading the music and the lyrics to the group folder, and linking to the files in the group feedback spreadsheet. So far no one from the songwriting group has offered any feedback (okay, it’s only been about 24 hours), but my musician-friend Dave (Hi, Dave!) sent me some Encouraging Words and suggested that I get a MIDI keyboard to help me add some extra tracks to the tune.

I’m never going to be a professional musician, and I’m not worried about that. Right now I’m happy that song #1 was uploaded on the 27th of its month and song #2 was uploaded on the 12th of its month. The more quickly I can get my lyrics in a finished state after the prompt, the more time I have to receive and respond to feedback on the song.

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Knitwise, last week I made more progress than usual on the turquoise scarf. Even better, I remembered to do a photo shoot. You can see that I only have enough yarn left for a few more rows. How many more, I have no idea. But I’ll be able to tell when it’s time to bind off. I’m looking forward to getting this scarf off the needles, washing it up, and seeing how the yarn softens and fluffs up.

These needles will probably be retired and rehomed after this project. They are 14-inch aluminum single points, and my hands (and arms!) need kinder and more ergonomic knitting tools. I have flower vases filled with colorful aluminum needles like this pair. While they make attractive displays, the needles would serve better to go back into the world and be used by someone who needs them. Look for them at a Goodwill near you.

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Today is Eldest’s 23rd birthday. We celebrated with a movie and a meal yesterday, and today Secondborn visited (and MiddleSon and Youngest came home) to give him a special present and hang out with him for a while. It was nice to have everyone in the house and happy, if only for a couple of hours. The dog was ecstatic to be able to count to five again.

Have a happy prelude to spring (or fall, depending on your hemisphere of residence), and may you cope well with the transition to Daylight Savings Time (if such is your societal custom).

Reward levels

This week dealt mostly with problem-solving, and it’s a good thing that I like solving problems. The novel thing was that I eventually rewarded myself with — or, allowed myself to enjoy — some activities that really make me happy.

I attended two webinars that I was really eager for, and they far exceeded my expectations. You would not think that it would be fun to sit for another 75 minutes in front of a computer, but I loved the learning and the discussions. Surprise, surprise, I really like learning more about language and page layout and editorial decision-making. Who knew?

I also took myself out to lunch to one of my favorite local restaurants. I was almost the only customer, so the room was quiet while I started “Morpho Eugenia,” a novella by A. S. Byatt. I only read about ten pages, but from the first or second paragraph I realized I was reading the work of a master. And I could relax and enjoy it. On top of that, I got to try a soup version of my favorite taco in all the world, and it was lush and complex and delicious. It was also accompanied by a perfect example of my second-favorite taco in all the world.

Friday night was the backers-only soft open for the new season of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and with seconds to spare I logged in to the “Gizmoplex” to watch a rather bizarre movie involving luchadores, time travelers, and Count Dracula. Even though there were a few glitches, it was a lot of fun and I could really just relax.

I had planned for a weekend of staying home and doing nothing, but on Saturday afternoon I went shopping with MiddleSon instead. How many almost-18-year-olds want to go shopping with their mother? For several hours? We had a grand time, except for our shock and grief at discovering that the local Exclusive Company location was closing. We pounced on everything that we could at their closeout sale, but I was too much in shock to think clearly. We wound up with some nice CDs, and I think that both of us are grateful for our memories of the other times we have visited the store — though not as many times as we should have.

In the evening I took myself to the Café Carpe for a show. It was supposed to be an evening out with a friend, but when the original musical act had to cancel due to the weather, we postponed the mutual activity for another day night. I did go by myself to have dinner and see the replacement act; if you have been to the Carpe you will understand that the cook and the musician were the same talented individual. I also got to talk with both owners (one of whom was also the cook/musician) about all kinds of things. I drove home in a ripping spring-is-coming-dammit thunderstorm, with lightning bolts arcing across the sky, spiralling in the air, and landing all around me. It was a stimulating evening capped by an exciting drive. (After which I spent an hour or so comforting the storm-terrified dog.)

Today I had two interesting Zoom events, and I enjoyed both of them. I studied a little Biblical Hebrew, I played word games, I did some laundry. And I made some plans for next weekend.

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Knitwise, is anything happening? Barely. Last week I knitted a few rows on the turquoise scarf, but since I now do my lunchtime knitting after actually taking the time to eat lunch, I don’t make much progress. (And, as usual, I forgot to take a picture.) I haven’t been knitting on the weekend, usually because I’m busy driving around or doing my housework or studying.

But this week I received a new songwriting prompt, and within 48 hours I had written the lyrics to a new song. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

The creative energies are definitely being diverted into the songwriting. I do have faith that the time and energy currently being devoted (diverted?) to songwriting will pay dividends in the future through other creative activities. I’m jump-starting the car; that doesn’t mean that I know exactly where I’m going to go, but it looks as if it will be a fun trip.

Goals and approximations

It’s been a good week for reading. I’m about two-thirds of the way through Tombstone, picking up the pace in The Development of Mathematics, and I finished one biography of a mathematician (the charming and generous George Pólya) and started on another (the eccentric Paul Erdős). In Mathematician’s Delight I got right up to some problems I really wanted to take a crack at solving before every other deadline in the universe seemed to come crashing down upon me. My weekend was an attempt to meet as many of these deadlines as I could, and I hope that I did my best.

Now, here we are on the cusp of July — June always seems to pass in the blink of an eye — and with the new month will come a new set of priorities. Plan for a trip to Ohio and West Virginia and back again. Create a writing weekend. Donate a few carloads of items that I don’t need. Start working on my cardio. Reinvent my identity. Practice my Hebrew. Get my father’s photos scanned. Lay out another month of my bullet journal. Keep reading. Go to a local concert for the first time in about 18 months.

What did I actually do this weekend? Attend online services, exchange texts with my mother, drive my son to work, shop for groceries, attend my final Torah cantillation class, help to prep beef stew, do laundry, do dishes, pick up my son from work, fill the gas tank, shop for books, pick up some free custard, watch qualifying for the Styrian Grand Prix, lay out several pages of the congregational newsletter, attend a retirement picnic, transfer a loaner car from one loanee to another, drive my son back to his father’s house, get pulled over by a deputy sheriff for non-display of plates, drive home, locate and install my front license plate, do more dishes, watch the Styrian Grand Prix. For some reason it does not seem like enough. I intended to relax on my birthday, but didn’t relax enough. I intended to get things done the next day, but didn’t accomplish enough.

What is enough, really? Do we ever catch up? Lately I’ve been chasing the goal but it’s tough to tell whether or not I’m making progress. Sometimes the proof is external and sometimes it’s internal. Externally, perhaps I did all of the things I could do. Internally it “hits different,” as my kids say.

This summer will be one of transition, for many people in my immediate circle. Transitions aren’t easy and we’ll need to find a way to show each other compassion and grace as we move through our changes. What can I say? Show your love to the people you love. Maybe that’s enough.

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Knitwise, I haven’t been doing any Actual Knitting™ in the last week but I did come across a link to a free download for an Interweave e-book that contained two patterns I want to make. One is for a triangular shawl made with a bit of openwork but NO PURLING, and the other is for a scarf/stole with a simple lace panel, made with bulky yarn of which I seem to have a sufficient amount. So if I find the time to knit, I’ll be ready to cast on.

The broader view

I’m beginning to suspect that I’ve been going about this all wrong — or, at least, all wrong for me.

All the time that I was in school, I was under the impression that I was supposed to try a lot of subjects and activities — to become well rounded, of course, but also to find out what I was particularly good at so that I could figure out, well, who I was going to be when I grew up. Decide the thing that I was going to do. Have a wide range of experiences and then… narrow things down. Focus. Aim. At… whatever my target was.

That’s harder to do when you’re interested in everything. I am fairly certain that I’ve written this before, but when you do like almost everything it makes it harder to choose what to focus on. It’s not so much deciding, “I should do this!” as realizing, “I need to give up that and that and that so I can do this.”

Apparently (she muttered as she mentally wandered through her house and glanced at her overflowing bookcases, stuffed closets, and no-space-for-a-car garage) I haven’t managed to give up much of anything at all of that and that, or that, to focus at all on this thing way over here behind the dining room table.

Instead, every time I developed a new interest I accumulated all the necessary books, tools, and materials necessary to do it to the best of my ability. And I hung on to them. The evidence surrounds me, sometimes looming over me, sometimes tripping me up. Everything I have ever wanted to do? I have a starter kit for it, right here. Just in case I ever have time to do it.

So. Here’s the thing. Right now I’m doing a lot of things that I’m happy about, but what I really don’t have is much extra time. I’m trying to squeeze in some things here and there, like learning new languages and researching an eventual move and planning a big summer trip, but day-to-day I just have time to do as much as I can and then collapse, sleep, and get up and do more the next day. So even though I want to learn the piano or practice drawing or scrapbook all my kids’ grade-school artwork, the odds are that I’m simply not going to get to it. What do I eliminate from my life so that I can concentrate on the things that “make the cut” and get to stay in my life?

That would be a great many things, and the cuts would be very painful. And since I try to keep only things that are impossible (or very difficult) to replace, eliminating several interests for the sake of a few is going to involve a series of decisions that will be very difficult (or impossible) to reverse. And what if I eliminated the wrong things?

What if that wasn’t the way I should have looked at things at all? What if I could go back in time to when I was eight years old and give myself some new guidelines? Like, you don’t have to try to be perfect at everything you try or You can read through the complete set from the library’s copies and you don’t have to buy them all or Just have fun, darn it.

I’d also say something about sticking to my core and gradually adding to it instead of trying to get rid of things to narrow my focus. I’m not sure that eight-year-old me would listen, but it would be worth trying to say. There’s so much guilt that comes with deciding to give up doing things that I wonder if it would have been better to have grown up with a different philosophy about it all.

About a week or so ago I realized that I still had a curtain — which I’m using to cover a set of shelves in our bathroom — pinned up for future sewing. It has been pinned since approximately last June because I didn’t know the exact way to finish it off perfectly. And I realized, finally, that it didn’t have to be perfect. I just needed to take it down, pull out the sewing machine, and sew the freaking seams so I could take the pins out. And if I didn’t like the way it looked I could figure out another way to do it, and I could even buy another curtain and just try again. I didn’t have to do the project in the least possible amount of time (THAT ship has sailed) to the highest possible standard (HA!) while spending the least amount of money. I just want a curtain to cover the shelves.

This might strike you as a high-quality epiphany if I didn’t go on to confess that one of those curtain panels is now folded on the edge of my dining room table and the other one is wadded on top of a box of photos I need to scan for my father’s celebration of life event at the end of July (where they have been for several months) and I have never moved my sewing machine to the table to do the work although it is a mere 27 inches from where it needs to be. NEVERTHELESS it is an epiphany, and I think that I will need to identify more areas where I have allowed the best to be the logjam of the good, when I can find the time.

¿Puedo aprender un poquito más?

I feel as if I have spent the last year saying “it’s been a long week” every single week. They’ve been long for everyone, and difficult in different ways. Until conditions are clearly different, I’ll just assume the past week was long and each of us is glad to have it behind them.

But remember how last week’s post was ALL about complaining about the unchosen fonts I had to look at while I wrote? Today they’re back to a version of Times. Part of me thinks, Wow, that’s great, Thank you O WordPress! and part of me thinks, Whatever dude, just let me write. Right now Whatever dude is winning.

This week was about learning. Let’s make an Unordered List (since, for a while, I was learning some HTML). This week I:

• Learned about friends who are struggling but don’t want to say that they need help.
• Learned some Hebrew.
• Learned that I am starting to recognize Hebrew words in the Daf Yomi.
• Learned where I put my book on the Arabic alphabet.
• Learned how to make documents that can be read aloud by a screen reader.
• Learned how to fix my website links that weren’t quite right.
• Learned more about Ladino, a language that is a combination of Hebrew terms and 15th-century Spanish.
• Learned that some deadlines, once missed, can’t be met.
• Learned that I probably should use my fountain pens more frequently.
• Learned that I should rinse out the nibs of my fountain pens if they’ll be idle.
• Learned relearned that I buy impulsively on the Internet.
• Learned that a co-worker is retiring in a few months.
• Learned that it’s hard to choose a new Provost, and I’m glad it’s not up to just me.
• Learned that some people think I’m doing a pretty good job.
• Learned that Microsoft Publisher has some really interesting font handling issues.
• Learned relearned how to mother a sick [adult] child.

This week I seemed to go down one rabbit hole after another. They were brief trips, but each one felt deep. Lately it’s been a language hole — whether English or <HTML> or Spanish or Hebrew or Ladino or just a bisl of Yiddish.

Considering all the things I’ve done and the interests I’ve had in my life, it should surprise absolutely nobody that I can get extremely interested in how languages work and how they are similar to each other and how many can I possibly learn?

I’m trying to spend less time worrying about the optimal order in which to learn all the languages of the world. (Less time, not no time.) Instead, I’m indulging myself in language-learning whenever I happen to think about it. If I’m addressed in Spanish, I’ll try to respond en español. If prompted in Hebrew, I hope to reply am ivrit. I’m listening to the words, the phrases, the sentences, as if they are a living stream in which I am carried along.

Words wash over me now — in the car, at work, and at home. I can’t help but think of what they mean and how they help and hinder; how they align to entertain, to educate, to inspire, to confuddle. I’m fortunate indeed to work in a place where words have profound meanings. I look forward to the time when I can choose my own words to tell my own stories.

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Knitwise, I almost finished a thing! I took Eldest to a dental appointment this week, and got to the end of the yarn on the Rainbow Stripe Scarf. The receptionist cut the black yarn to officially end the knitting; I should have let her cut the rainbow yarn, too. I still need to weave in the ends, but the knitting is done. I’ll measure after I do the seaming-in, to make it more official. This means I don’t have any plain knitting in progress at home, so I had better get something started. I have a project waiting in a basket in my office, but lately I’ve been taking notes during the online meetings and my hands haven’t been free to work the yarn.

I still have so much yarn to re-home…my initiative kind of fizzled out after I found out that it would cost $200 to send half a pound of yarn to a friend in England. I haven’t even tried to get an estimate for sending yarn to Australia. It would be cheaper to finally get a Real ID™ and go there myself and bring the yarn in a carry-on. Rethinking…

I just want to learn a few more things and write a few more things and knit a few more things. Then I will be able to rest.